From My Journal..

Humbling Experience #2 for the year

⚠️ I had another humbling experience I thought I’d share…

I was feeling defeated today. This week, actually. All the sudden my long term plans seem so out of focus and the near future feels extremely overwhelming- to the point that I was questioning in a big way, what I was doing and if this was all worth it. Because, let’s be honest most of it is not fun. It’s long days, longer nights, and at the end of it everyone has a very vague idea of what you do all day and certainly, no one appreciates it. Not that I need them to, but it’s pretty shitty to feel like your drowning but also as if you’re not doing enough, all at the same time.

I dragged myself to class today- I mean DRAGGED. I admittedly didn’t do the reading because it was for my Holocaust class and I emotionally couldn’t take another heartbreaking article about genocide in its various forms.

When I got there I talked with some of my classmates about how overwhelmed we all were and I shared that I was disillusioned with the thought of pursuing my Ph.D.- even as I officially applied for my program today. I sat through class, didn’t participate in discussion as I usually do, and I was one of the first ones out the door when class was over.

It hasn’t been my week, it wasn’t my day, I wasn’t feeling it.

When I got to the elevator I was stopped by the secretary of the history department for a quick ‘have a good weekend!’, -which by the way, I’m not looking forward to because frankly, I don’t get weekends. I always work, everyday. From returning emails from my phone, putting out BlackBoard fires, reading materials for the upcoming week’s classes, writing papers, working on my thesis, to grading undergraduate history exams and papers, even if I’m physically “away” from my desk I’m never “off work.”- But I smiled, said, “thanks, you too!”, and I stepped onto the elevator that honestly couldn’t reach the ground floor fast enough.

As I stepped onto the elevator I noticed a man standing toward the back, staring at me. I smiled and he no sooner asked me if I worked in the OTC RVC library. I was a bit taken back because I didn’t recognize him from Adam and mind you, I was at MSU- again, a ways away from my OTC job in Nixa.

I told him I did and he immediately recalled that I helped him find sources for a history paper he was writing a few years ago. He repeatedly thanked me for my help and even repeated exactly what I said to him as far as how to read history books and find sources (which I only recognized because I repeat the same basic “script” about ten times per day to history students). He told me how much my advice helped him, that he hears my words all the time and has used the methods I taught him in his studies at MSU. Oh, and he’s now studying history.

That made my day y’all. And not just because FINALLY someone in the damn world listened to me, BUT because it’s good to be reminded that what I do on a day to day basis, matters. Especially on a day like today when I felt so out of my element and so discouraged, God knew just who to send to reassure me that once again, I’m just “in the middle”- (to quote Jimmy Eats World which I also expected to hear on the radio on my way home except, iTunes 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️) and that for now, I’m right where I need to be.

To add to that, I received an email I had been waiting for about fifteen minutes after I left the MSU campus concerning an exciting project collaboration- a project that is very close to my heart and if it pans out, will be an overwhelming dream come true.

I suppose the moral here is that everyone gets disillusioned, it’s normal. It’s human nature. Things get scary in the dark and when the light gets switched off on your life plan, that can be terrifying- and the unknowns will always be the hardest things to live with. But there is ALWAYS a reason, you will ALWAYS have a purpose as long as you are on this earth, and God will ALWAYS lead you to it.

I am in awe of the reaffirmation God has given me every time I have asked. Big things are coming soon- and I can’t wait. ❤️

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